2/2017: Memories

The ice reflects truth
hidden in my stormy gaze
guilt is my reply

© Manivillie Kanagasabapathy



Image Courtesy of : Pixabay – PublicDomainPictures                           https://pixabay.com/en/hand-finger-people-ring-marriage-83079/




Day 222: King Sisyphus

I think I understand how King Sisyphus felt,
every time he almost conquered that damn rock.
It just rolled back down to where he had first knelt
and prayed this was the last time he took this walk.

Struggling to the end, only to see it all come undone.
Clawing back your need for a fruitless grab,
starting to question if you were the smartest one,
this woeful punishment, that was Zeus’ lasting jab.

Dear King Sisyphus, a deceitful path you created,
a karmic route that rock did follow,
but  what I want to know is where I courted,
a dance with this unforgiving shadow.

If you did not mind these words that I spoke,
and if the task is not too herculean,
can the universe stop playing this joke,
where moving on is simply Sisyphean.

© Manivillie Kanagasabapathy

Day 152: Break

You dare when you have a straight path,
but roads can change and lines become blurred.
A untended way becomes a trap,
and clarity is lost.
Let me remain hidden in this jungle,
of broken dreams and unfulfilled promises.
Until I can carve a new way,
with a machete forged in belief and love.

© Manivillie Kanagasabapathy

Day 143: I Cried for You Last

Why is it that I must be who I am,
a coward with no wings but wanting to fly
am I sure the wind will catch me?
Or does my hope lie in the fallacy of my dreams,
my thoughts unsure?

I cannot blame you for who I am
I let you go fully knowing that I will not be complete without you
But you broke me and you went with her.

Did you not hear my unsaid words, my desires, my wants
It was to be me and you
I met you first
I loved you most
I cried for you last.

© Manivillie Kanagasabapathy

Day 124: Time

The hands on the clock keep ticking,
asking me what I was thinking?

Did I believe that hours would wait,
For me to stop all the self-hate.

I stayed stuck in my bubble,
Unwilling to face others’ chortle.

Putting my heart on someone else’s sleeve,
Seemed the easiest way to be deceived.

Within these glass walls, I lingered,
Watching people live unfiltered.

While I acted transparently by design,
But in reality, I was just life’s concubine.

Playing at the part,
Too afraid to start.

So caught up that when you finally arrived,
All my actions seemed too contrived.

As I tried to break from this cage,
I had to become my own wise sage.

That I had built a diamond hard shell,
Which slowly became my personal hell.

Now I start to chip away, let the shards fall,
Embrace the cuts, the sparkle and love it all.

© Manivillie Kanagasabapathy

Day 117: Why Can’t I…

Why can’t I say these words?
Tell you the joy I felt when you first looked at me
The butterflies that played havoc with my heart,
Pounding so hard that I thought you would hear it
And my “hello” would get lost in its nervous noise?

Why can’t I make these vows beautiful?
As glorious as your smile when I said yes,
Our promises to cherish and hold each other
Seem so lacking when I think of how you support me,
Breathed life into a body that was slowly wilting,
A hidden automaton behind the smile.

Why can’t I write this?
Put on the paper all the ways you make me feel?
Anniversary wishes of joy and sorrows
Daily fights and make up sex,
Little hurts thrown with willful intent,
Forgiveness granted under words of love
Statements of regret played on repeat,
Until the soundtrack became the distance
Between your words and my heart.

Why can’t I sign this?
Let the pen end the silence.
Ask the lawyers to give voice
To the cold, lonely times,
That froze us out of this marriage.
Finally, give space to speak
The words that remained between us
An ever growing wall,
Founded on hopeful starts ,
and strengthened by resentful tears.

Can’t I say this,
And ask you to hear my heart?
Can’t I make these vows beautiful,
And show you the strength you gave me?
Can’t I write this,
And let us heal each other?
Can’t I sign this,
And ask you to begin again?

© Manivillie Kanagasabapathy

Day 91: Stay

Do you hear the words I whisper,
As you turn your head to see her.

Your eyes linger lovingly at her beauty,
A gaze that undoes me with its crulety.

By my side is not where you want to be,
But destiny first brought you to me.

Clinging to belief of​ our true love story,
I willingly keep us in this purgatory.

Sighing as you finally turn away,
Praying that your heart will not stray.

I catch my breath and look at you,
Finally admitting what my heart always knew.

What am I really holding on for,
When you don’t see me anymore?

© Manivillie Kanagasabapathy