Why can’t I say these words?
Tell you the joy I felt when you first looked at me
The butterflies that played havoc with my heart,
Pounding so hard that I thought you would hear it
And my “hello” would get lost in its nervous noise?
Why can’t I make these vows beautiful?
As glorious as your smile when I said yes,
Our promises to cherish and hold each other
Seem so lacking when I think of how you support me,
Breathed life into a body that was slowly wilting,
A hidden automaton behind the smile.
Why can’t I write this?
Put on the paper all the ways you make me feel?
Anniversary wishes of joy and sorrows
Daily fights and make up sex,
Little hurts thrown with willful intent,
Forgiveness granted under words of love
Statements of regret played on repeat,
Until the soundtrack became the distance
Between your words and my heart.
Why can’t I sign this?
Let the pen end the silence.
Ask the lawyers to give voice
To the cold, lonely times,
That froze us out of this marriage.
Finally, give space to speak
The words that remained between us
An ever growing wall,
Founded on hopeful starts ,
and strengthened by resentful tears.
Can’t I say this,
And ask you to hear my heart?
Can’t I make these vows beautiful,
And show you the strength you gave me?
Can’t I write this,
And let us heal each other?
Can’t I sign this,
And ask you to begin again?
© Manivillie Kanagasabapathy