***TRIGGER WARNING***

These words I choose tell you what I believe
#Istandwithsurvivors while I hide the real me
How do I say, I chose not to say
I took the easy way and hid…

But it wasn’t easy
To lie to the one face who knew it all
Tell myself I had been there willingly
Even as my mind ran and hid
In the deepest corners

Packed that night, as if it never existed
So that when I saw you,
I could smile as if it was nothing
As if the nights were not filled with panicked screams
And days where my body crashed from hypervigilance.

I could look you in the eye,
The golden boy who was kind
And asked me if I wanted to cuddle
Right after you tore through my core
Tapping down bile and memories

Until I choked and said “goodnight”
All the while holding the lid closed
Shoving more memories and words of hate
at you, at me, at all the ways this could never be right
Poison me from within
or crave me up from outside.

So Pandora, open your box
Let the world see and know
There is no easy way
There are only choices

© Manivillie Kanagasabapathy

AN: Inspired by conversations with my nephew about the outcome of the Jian Ghomeshi, Survivors, victim-blaming and VAW in general.